Dear Ronald ‘Tresemme’ Martin,
I am writing to submit my application for the newly vacated position of First Team Manager at Roots Hall.
Now whilst I don’t have any professional managerial experience, I can’t help but feel that when you read through my extensive list of managerial feats, some nothing short of heroic; you will be somewhat overwhelmed at my ability, and feel that you have no choice but to place me in your employ.
My managerial experience begins in 1993, at the mere age of 13. Now I’m not one to brag, but as you can see this already puts me at an advantage against the likes of Lee Bradbury, with 20 years experience in the game. One would think that a 13 year old would be overwhelmed by the enormous task of managing AC Milan, one of the biggest clubs in the world, especially when you consider they had just signed Giuanluigi Lentini, then the most expensive player in the entire WORLD. You’d be wrong to think that, as an ambitious and confident young man, I relished the pressure and indeed thrived under it, making astute and popular signings such as Paul Gascoigne and Giuseppe Signori to bolster the squad. Indeed by the time we’d reached the Christmas break, AC Milan were indeed five points clear of bitter rivals Inter Milan. It was at this stage unfortunately, that my Championship Manager Italia 93 demo ended, and subsequently so did the Rossinerri’s dreams of capturing the Serie A crown. But as you can see, it was a pretty promising start to my career.
My next venture into football management was back home in England, and deciding I wanted a challenge allowed my 5 year old brother to pick Torquay out for me. Now while this seems like a downgrade and fall in fortunes for a manager used to walking out at the San Siro, it was my opportunity to prove I can work with a minimal budget and in the basement of the football league, something I know you’ll appreciate, although to be fair my players were paid. On time.
Anyway, who would of thought that a 14 year old boy would in the space of just seven years lead a little Devon club to European glory against the mighty Barcelona? Well me, such is my belief in my ability.
Over the period of the last 20 years I have won countless trophies, leagues and international competitions across multiple continents and several countries, often bringing teams from the depths of the lower leagues to heady heights of european football, and national titles. Several times clubs have erected (hehe) statues of me outside the ground to permanently cement my legacy at the club. I have won countless manager of the month awards, as well as the esteemed manager of the year awards in multiple countries. And most of the time I didn’t even cheat by selling all my shit players to Man United for 40 million.
I feel I should probably leave my application here, as you’re likely already picking up the phone to beg me for a start date. However I feel I would be depriving you of further impress and key information.
I understand PR is a bit of a weak point for you. Now I have an excellent qualification that will enable me to cover off the PR side of your job, to allow you more time to work on your hair, and finding a new cleaning lady happy to let your porkskin bus pull into tuna town. What is this qualification I hear you ask? Well it was gained on a night course entitled, ‘Stop lying through your teeth you deceitful fuck.’ I know change entices fear, and this sort of novel and untried by you concept can be considered a risk. But I truly believe that with my newly acquired ‘truth’ degree, we can turn the corner on your PR misdemeanours.
Moving back to the managerial side of the role, I think the role of morale within the team is criminally undervalued and as such, have developed a new process in which we can ensure that morale remains high within the squad. When we sign players, we’ll give them a contract, within this contract will be stated terms of pay. Now I understand you’re probably none too familiar with this term, ‘pay’. This is payment in exchange for services, the services being the players performance on a football pitch. Now what we do, to ensure morale remains high, is we keep to this contract and pay the players (with the possible exception of Straker, he’s hopeless – did you seriously pay actual money for him?) the agreed amount within the contract on or before the pay day. Thus keeping the players morale up. Honestly, you should try it, again I appreciate it’s a strange new concept for you, but you should have some faith. Along the lines of pay, what also helps, is keeping the players (and fans) focused on the actual football side of things. In order to do this, its best to stop any negative press arising around the club. Things like paying bills and not having half our headlines about winding up orders would aid us in this department. Also, it probably helps if we don’t spend VAT money on anything other than VAT and likewise. Read Dummies guide to business for further help, or just speak to a 10 year old, I’m guessing they have a greater grasp of business than you based on their weekly allowance.
Another challenge that I’ve rather intuitively picked up on in researching your club, is that you face quite a bit of animosity from the fans at the club. Now why the fans would dislike a lying, cheating, robbing, syrup wearing, cleaning lady fondling, greedy destroyer of dreams like yourself is lost on me. However, I did once happen upon a technique that helps in this department when refereeing under 9’s football (further qualification of my knowledge for the game). I was facing some contentious questionings of my decisions from the fans on the touchline. And whilst having council estate dad shouting ‘how the fuck can you call my kid offside you useless fuck’ may bounce off a thicker skinned individual, it got to me. At first I tried to ignore it, pretending fat Dad wasn’t questioning my sexual prowess with my own father, and all in denim Dad who thinks that’s a good look with his 80’s mullet but actually looked like a total cunt and shouldn’t be shouting at the ref drawing attention to how much of a cunt he looked like telling me that I’m that I’m a fucking joke (the irony was not lost on me); I was simply unable to ignore it. And subsequently confronted the said verbal assassins, pointed out their own deficiencies and told them if they didn’t shut their mouths I’d punch them in them. Generally though, this just made things worse and I ended up having more fights on a Sunday morning than a booze filled drug fest in Basildon high street on a Saturday night. Now you’re probably wondering how this will help you overcome the animosity you face from the fans? It won’t I just want to allow them the opportunity to fuck you like you’ve fucked our club, and would enjoy you being punched in the face repeatedly by angry denim Dad.
Fortunately for you, I am immediately releasable from my position as head coach of AS Roma on Football Manager handheld, and can start immediately, I appreciate I don’t have the sparkling orange glow that say the likes of Phil Brown has, but frankly I’d rather chop my own balls off than look like I’ve been anyway near the vegetable patch that is TOWIE.
Most of my Football Manager achievements have been saved, so I can provide them to you as proof of my ability.
If you have any further questions, please do not hesitate to contact me via my Twitter Account @obiweskenobi
As an further aside, as confident as I am in my successful application to become first team manager at Roots Hall. I’ve started to assemble my key back room staff. Having already recruited a Head Chef, a Pastry Chef, a streaker (female), a tea girl, and a sniper in case the FA go ahead with the atrocity of Helen ‘Torquay Cum bucket’ Chamberlain and Max ‘bellend’ Rushden singing the National Anthem at Wembley on April 7th.
I also have already begun identifying potential targets for the first team squad, including 857 left backs that would be an improvement on Mr Straker. Seriously though, no banter, did you really really really pay money for him? If so, it’s gotta be one of those stories that begins ‘seriously dude, I was so fucking wasted….’ and then ends ‘…and so I bought this footballer off some dude in the pub and woke up with him in the corner of my room along with a traffic cone, a gnome and the Freddy Eastwood money – any idea where that went by the way.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Kind Regards
Mr Wesley FItzgerald.
wfitzgerald80 